Recently I’ve really been feeling the urge to write my thoughts down and I wasn’t really sure where my thoughts were leading. So here’s where they ended up. In the past few years anxiety has become more prominent in my every day life. In my younger teenage years I think I definitely suffered constantly from anxiety without really knowing it was anxiety. Pressure to do well in school, pressure to know what to do with my life, pressure to be someone I wasn’t. And in my adult life I feel similar pressures.
In the past few years my anxiety has latched onto different aspects of my life. On thing I did latch onto was purchasing things. This was mainly due to a bad relationship. Even now, years later, I still get major anxiety when shopping. It can be anything I would like to buy: clothes, makeup, shoes. When I pick something up I’d like to purchase it’s like I get this ball in my chest that only gets bigger and bigger because I’m panicking about spending money on it.
I think about what I could buy instead of this product, like continuing to save for a house or maybe if I don’t like the product and the money has been wasted. I also massively feel like I don’t deserve the item, like I haven’t done anything to buy the item for myself. Which may sound silly, but it’s hard to get thoughts that have been there for a few years out. This often leads to me walking out of the shop or clicking off the website without purchasing anything. Basically I walk away and not really deal with the feelings.
For a while I was convinced I wasn’t ‘normal’ because I couldn’t buy items without feeling anxious. When, after a recent conversation, it is ‘normal’. It’s normal for me. And I shouldn’t walk away from feeling anxious just because I don’t like to feel anxious in public. I won’t get anywhere in life and it won’t ease the anxiety.
So to help my anxiety in this area of my life I realised it’s okay to spend money on myself, it doesn’t mean that in future I won’t be able to afford a house just because I spent £20 on makeup every so often. And I am deserving of treating myself. Everyone deserves being treated and why not treat myself. I don’t need the excuse of my birthday or things like that just to buy myself something. So the I am feeling anxious about purchasing something I think about the ball in my chest and work on my breathing. Calming myself down and controlling my thoughts so I don’t just go into this downward spiral. I tell myself that it’s okay to feel anxious about this, it’s okay to take my time when purchasing things. It’s okay if the top doesn’t fit and it has to go back, the shop assistant won’t care that I’m returning something. And if I don’t like the makeup that’s okay too, I’ll know not to bother with it again.
Another thing that gives me a lot of anxiety is work. I work in a stressful but rewarding job. Whilst I enjoy what I do, sometimes it really tries me. And I’m not really sure what I want to do career wise. Like where I am I’m not sure about progression in my career, and the alternative is finding a different path with the same sector or something like an offie job or maybe even something to do with makeup. Growing up I always thought I knew what I wanted to be and when life happened, it never happened how I thought it would. Where I am now I am happy with, however I would like to change direction. So who knows this time next year I could be doing something totally different!
I guess the point of this post was to get a few things out of my head and in word format. I find when I write things down I find easier to collate my thoughts and really make sense of what I really want. I know it’s not healthy to feel unworthy of making a purchase in store or online and to walk away instead of dealing with it. And I am working on working through the anxiety when I feel it rather than walk away. I definitely do deserve to treat myself every now and then, after all that’s why I earn money! As for work, I’m thinking of taking some makeup courses and see if it’s something I really want to pursue.
Overall I just want to be the best person I can be and really push myself to fulfil my potential. Thank you so much if you made it this far! I feel like I should include more personal posts as well as makeup tutorials and reviews. What do you guys think? Would you like more personal posts every now and then?
Until next time everyone!