This is going to be different to what I usually post, I try to keep my blog a happy and a positive place. Don’t get me wrong I love to talk about makeup, what I’ve been buying and doing tutorials. But today I don’t feel it. I have this urge I’m desperately trying to suppress. And it’s something I get when I want to block out my feelings or dealing with situations. That urge is to shop.
Usually I would succumb into doing it just so I wouldn’t have to deal with situations or my feelings for a few more hours. I’d browse makeup and clothes dragging it out for as long as I could with no real reason to. I mainly distract myself, either because I don’t want to deal with my situations/emotions or I don’t know which is the best way to react. So 9 times out of 10 I wouldn’t react or give away my emotions.
All my life I’ve kept everything I feel bottled up inside of me. I don’t want to say the wrong thing to people so I don’t really say anything. Then after it’s happened I’ll think of what I could have said or done whilst picking my fingers, but of course the moment has passed so I continue to keep it all inside me whilst destroying my fingers. In the past few weeks I have picked my fingers out of anxiety but I haven’t picked them anywhere near as bad as I would have done a few months ago.
I no longer want to hide how I am feeling or stop myself reacting to people just because I’m scared of how they’ll react/what they’ll say. The thing is I don’t do that when these things happen because I get anxious/upset/still trying to process what’s happening. I’m just really good at not dealing with these things because I don’t know which is the right answer to take.
I guess there is no right answer when it comes to feelings. But I do know that online shopping isn’t a way to deal with how I’m feeling on the inside, it only looks good on the outside. I don’t only ever shop when I’m avoiding things, it’s just an easy outlet that only requires a closed answer when I don’t want to answer open questions.
I usually keep a feelings diary but today it wasn’t enough, typing things is so much easier as sentences can be tweaked to be more understandable. And if I write things I usually pick my fingers whilst I think of what I want to say next, where as typing for some reason is so much more easier. I’m not picking whilst I think, instead they are poised ready to type or twiddling my dutch braids.
I just had to get this off my chest and hope I’m not the only one who finds comfort in new clothes and makeup when really I should put the same effort into situations around me. All I’m achieving is putting it off/keeping everything bottled up. Neither of which is healthy.
I am now going to paint my nails a pretty colour to keep my fingers busy and think about how I want to react and what to say to my current situation. It’s not a serious situation, but nonetheless something that I need to deal with and express my emotions. I am also no longer feeling such a strong urge to shop, don’t get me wrong I’d love to go a bit crazy and buy the things I’ve been eyeing up. But it’s not for the right reasons I’d be buying them and they wouldn’t make me feel any better.
If you made it this far, thank you for reading my ramblings! My usual posts will be back shortly, until next time lovelies!